Holiday Weekend to now......

I had a pretty good weekend. I started it with some good friends over for martinis on friday. Saturday and Sunday were good, lazy days.

Monday was my Mom's birthday. She asked for a birthday cake, something she never does. My sister whipped up a good one and we sat around eating and visiting. My Mom hates most of the gifts I buy here so I settled on lottery scratch offs-they went over well since she won some money.

She seemed in a good mood. She still has not reconsidered any more treatment and was treating Monday as her last birthday. So singing happy birthday was really sad and got even worse when my 10 year old nephew added the "and many more" that landed flat.

Poor kid, I don't think he knew-but that was when the big white elephant in the corner came out to play.

Monday night we had severe storms that knocked out our power for a bit and today while I was at the post office mailing some stuff for work, the tornado sirens went off and I was stuck there for about 30 minutes.

My general mood has been ok lately but it feels I am under water. I have got upset over some little things because it feels like if just one thing goes wrong everything will spin out of control.

I have that sick to my stomach feeling I got when I was little and something scared me because I didn't understand. The first time I remember having that feeling was one year when I was about 4-my Mom had to go to Dallas to a funeral and it was the first time I was apart from her.

Everyone else was acting normal and I felt sad/abandoned/lonely/scared and didn't understand. So I ran into her room and comforted myself by smelling her perfume, purses, hairspray etc-bawling the whole time. Then my Dad realized what was up and explained that she would be back the next day......

It wasn't all bad....

I was in a bad mood yesterday when I told about the retreat. There were fun times. The scenery was amazing, the house on the mountain we stayed in was amazing. Our view was of the Rocky Mountain National Park mountains. Here is a picture of the view off of one of the decks:



My mom was supposed to go in for her 11th radiation treatment today. She got there and changed her mind. She has decided to quit, she can't take it anymore. Whether it be the pain, the exhaustion or both. My dad has decided to let her make her own decision on the matter. I haven't figured out what to do-feeling helpless at the moment.

To make matters worse, I needed Rick to lean on today and he was in his own little sulky world and wouldn't tell me why. Instead of a shoulder to cry on I got a cold one. It will take more than I think he is willing to give for him to make it up to me-it was just shy of unforgivable in my opinion.

Back home....

I'm finally unpacked and rested from the "retreat". I had a great time-up until Saturday. We stayed one day toooooo long I think. Or actually not even that.

It wasn't planned well to begin with. There wasn't very good communication on a schedule or what was actually supposed to happen. We were told Saturday was a "free" day when it should have been said Saturday was a do what we tell you to do day but we will be passive aggressive, not pay you and call it a free day anyway.

So here I am in a fun city thinking that it is still a free day and decide to go shopping for something for Rick and myself in neat little shops. Ooops on my part because the boss sees this as I'm not a team player and avoiding the group!?

Instead of telling me this in person, it was done in a third grade kinda way that I took all kinds of wrong. She told a third person to tell me. Someone I thought I could trust-so in jest I say something like if she wants me to do what she says then she needs to pay me. Something that was implied that was not to be repeated but that was repeated.

This made the trip SO much more fun! She was in tears and the rest of the day went to hell. Then I was told in the same fashion that a meeting was to be held back at the cabin to discuss the situation.

It was all so unprofessional. She was in tears and I felt attacked-like it was my fault that I decided to enjoy a free day that I ruined it for everyone. BS. I was 5 minutes away from calling a taxi and heading to the nearest rent a car place. Needless to say the trip back was so much fun!

Can you imagine the head of a GM or IBM calling a meeting because their feelings were hurt and then bursting into tears about it? Jeesh.

I considered quitting. I considered just leaving all my stuff at the office and never going back in. But my co-worker friend Herwest and I devised a plan to just let it go and let them be the ones to self destruct. To compact it down like good little anglos and pretend.

We have fun regardless, let them be the ones to be miserable at work. The person that decided to stab me in the back will eventually dig her own hole deep enough where no one will want to be around her because she is duplicitious. The rest of the office that feeds off that will go down with her.

Besides, we spend more time up there than at home, I pity them for making it miserable for themselves when Herwest and I are having fun with it. We can choose to let all of this go and enjoy our work.

I'll post some of the pictures I took of the beautiful surroundings we were in this week.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a great start of the week :)

Bon Voyage Moi....

I got all my stuff gathered and ready to be packed. Tomorrow I have to find my luggage! I left it at the fourplex storage so I get to go and dig it out.

I like to pack early and have a list but I always feel like I am forgetting something.

I spent the weekend working on yard stuff. Rick mowed the yard while I edged. It is looking really nice. We went and bought some patio furniture, some hanging plants and some potted plants to put out on the porch and patio.

I just bought some adirondack chairs and a table because I am holding out on a nice set with an umbrella that I have to save up for. Rick wants the nice grill instead of the one we have that the grill that falls in if you look at it the wrong way!

I also put in a digital thermostat, it is working nicely. Slowly but surely we are getting it done. I still have some painting to do that I put off every weekend and some doors to put up.

Wish me luck on the working "retreat"! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and weekend :)

Bon Voyage Ginger.....

I know you will have a great time in Cancun! I'm so jealous!!!! Send a wish you were here postcard :)

Past Life Aggression...

I was down last week thinking about how my life has changed from what it used to be to what it is today. I kept thinking of all the good things of my past life comparing them to the bad things in my life now. That was productive!

It took a few comments from a friend to get me to see my error. I started reassessing. I didn't like who I had become in my past life with what I was given. I like myself now mostly. The problems I had in my past life were mostly a direct result of my own reactions to what I was given. My problems now seem so less daunting compared.

I had someone else handling everything for me for so long that now when confronted with something it is almost if I have to "learn" how to deal with it. I'm getting better.

I was lost in my past life, floating by without a care in the world-with blinders on. When the blinders came off it took a lot of energy to recover. In some small ways I still am but I get better everyday.

I owe it all to the scorpio who used me up and spit me out and is now living what was my past life. Poor guy, he has what he deserves.

and the rain came...

Rick planted the Austrian Pine that I bought for him yesterday. He spent so much time making sure it was in the right spot, not leaning too far one way or the other, and mixing all the fertilizers and root stimulators.

We had severe weather all around us tonight, but we ended up getting a good thunderstorm with a little bit of wind. It started about 5 minutes after Rick had just put all the yard tools away. I hope it gives the new tree a good start.

I am in my best moods when it is raining, but it was just the icing on the cake after seeing Rick so excited about our new addition.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid....Audre Lorde

Feathered Friends

It took some doing, but I finally caught them.




They are making a mess of the porch, but they seem settled in! The pretty purplish blue irridescent color is only visible when they are in flight, its on the underside of their wings.

Earlier in the day when I let the dogs out I saw Taylor grab a bird and gnaw on it a bit. By the time I got there it was too late, I hate to put it out of its misery. I find that so hard to do, but the poor thing was suffering. Rick found one barely hanging on this weekend and I found the carnage of one the day before that. We didn't know who was responsible until today.

No more bird feeders in the back yard. I resisted the urge to punish Taylor, I decided I couldn't fault him for being the breed of dog he is and having that in his nature.

I went with my parents to what was supposed to have been the first radiation treatment. The Radiology Tech wasn't happy with how the computer was pinpointing so they wanted to run some more tests. They decided to work with the numbers more and postpone until tomorrow.

My Mom was a little upset since she had worked herself into a tizzy preparing for today. As she was getting in the car and I was saying goodbye, she said I'll go crazy before they get started. I can completely understand.

I was wanting to be there for the first one but I don't want to try and take off early tomorrow again. She was happy with her pink squishy pillow (whiched matched her shirt perfectly) that a friend from work gave me to give to her. I also got a waiting room goody bag from the same friend filled with a book, candies etc. My day was stressful and I kept remembering back to that kindness to take the edge off.

I hope everyone had a good Monday :)

Long lost brother and feathered friends...

I went over to see my parents today. My brother has been staying with them for a while and I knew I was bound to run into him. I just wasn't prepared.

He burned our bridges years ago but I guess after all that LSD he fried enough synapses to where he didn't remember.

I chose the peacemaking route for my parents, I just listened to his BS and shook my head and went on. My mom was in an agitated state since her first radiation treatment is tomorrow. My Dad was in an agitated state from that and from the accumilative effects of having my brother there for more than 1 hour!

He finally got a job, and my Dad is working on getting him an apartment.

I saw a little bit of the brother I used to know peep through the 4 beers he drank while I was there for little over an hour. But the voice in the back of my head kept reminding me to not get close again.

On our covered porch up in the rafter area, there are 2 electrical boxes for exterior plugs. For the last three years there has been a bird couple that builds a mud nest on top and lays their eggs. They started their nest a few days ago.

The first year they would dive bomb us when we walked outside or up to the porch. Last year and this year I guess they are used to us and just stare when we go in or out. I'll get some pictures tomorrow and post them. They have pretty colors on them-sort of a purple/blue irrirdescent color.

The nest is about a foot away from the porch light and last year we noticed when the babies hatched and the light was turned on they would all stick their heads up and chirp loud with their beaks open. We couldn't tell if it hurt their eyes, so we leave the porch light off until they fly away just in case.

I wondered today if it is the same couple coming back each year or one of the previous hatchlings. Rick and I were both saying how nice it is to have them back again even if it means not having a porch light for awhile.

Ricks family had a big picnic at a park today. It was fun, lots of good food and we played football and volleyball. I felt so graceful-while we were waiting to play football the ball rolled to me-I went to stop it with my foot and went down.

I hope everyone had a great weekend :)

Snow and some resolution...

I went to bed Sunday night to a nice thunderstorm and woke up Monday morning with snow. It was odd, it snowed most of the day and was cold. It all melted the next day but it has been drizzly and wet since then with a chill in the air. Is this really May??

Work has been going good-we go on a working retreat to a nice resort town 8 hours away in a few weeks. I haven't been out of town in ages so I'm looking forward to it. Not sure how it'll go with some of the people at work that I haven't known that long and how we will get along. I'm going to go into it with a positive attitude and take some Martini makings juuuuuuuuuuuust in case!

Rick and I had a really good talk today about us. We didn't go in depth about some things that we need to later, but I feel it was a great start that will lead to that. There were some things we talked about that neither of us had any idea were an issue with the other. Then we came up with some solutions. We are slowly getting there.

The biggest hurdle I have had was not thinking I had to work at it-in my last relationship we reached a comfort and understanding level that we glided on for so many years. I keep forgetting how past relationships can define current ones and not always in a good way.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

We'll see...

I'm feeling transitional today. It is odd, I feel like I am on the verge of something but cannot put my finger on it.

I know there is something better out there for me but I don' feel like I know what it is and that if I did know what it was if I even deserve it.

If I am in a relationship with someone whether it be a friend, lover or parent-that I tend to go out of my way to make sure their needs are being met regardless of my feelings. Every now and then I will need something out of that relationship and I hold them to MY standards. Maybe they can't live up to them and feel slighted if they can't deliver.

Is it my problem or theirs? This is where I am at. Should I feel selfish that I have put out this effort and they can't or won't?

I am all about compromise. Compromise defined my last relationship. We may have not agreed on everything but we worked hard to make sure both of out needs were taken in consideration and that we both got something out of the choices we made.

In my current relationship I don't have that luxury. I don't think that Rick ever learned the art of compromise-at least in a spousal type relationship. I think it is very important. He doesn't. So if I agree partially but not 100% to something he wants then he feels like he had to give up 100% instead of partially.

In relationships I feel like if the other person isn't happy then I have done something wrong even if I know in my gut that I have done everything I can to try to make them happy. Then I feel like these are my issues and shouldn't hold them up to my standards-can we say people pleaser???

I talked to my Dad earlier and he told me how everything is going in regards with my Mom's treatments. I haven't heard him so upbeat in over a year. The place that they are going to are going out of their way to help them physically, mentally, as well as monetarily. My mom has her first treatment on the 9th and they are almost looking forward to it-the people at the cancer center have been such a positive influence.

That gives me such hope not only in that everything will be ok, but in fate as a whole. I lucked into meeting the person that set all of this in motion. I mentioned this earlier-I met this lady through a work fund raiser and bam-everything changed.

That in itself makes me so humble to have found this job. Then you add that to being able to to expand on my relationship with Rick's sister who works there and meeting an extraordianary person that I can now call a friend that I wouldn't have met otherwise and it maks me feel like yes there are good things in life that maybe I do deserve.

We'll see.

the panhandler and the D I V O R C E

I was alone at work most of the day and oddly it went by quick-I was thinking it would be slow as molasses. I did lunch alone. There is a subway a block away and I walked over there and on the way back got hit up by a panhandler.

From a bad mugging experience from a panhandler years ago I don't respond to them well at all. This one got pissed when I said no, followed and heckled me. I never felt unsafe, there were many people around downtown.

Overall it was a good day-I got caught up on most of my bills, did some shopping and lazed around after I got home but still feel a sort of depression hanging over me. I can't pinpoint what it is. It has been lingering for a few weeks. I usually don't cry while watching movies but lately I have been a blubber baby.

I'm usually not an emotional person outwardly, I tend to be more reserved so it has thrown me off a bit. I know to some it seems like I am cold, Rick said that he has never met someone so reserved emotionally before.

For instance-a couple of friends of ours split after 9 years. While I am sad and feel badly for both I haven't got caught up in their "drama" and see it for what it really is-a bad divorce where both sides are using emotions to control as well as the he said/he said game.

I think I wrote about it here once where Rick has chosen one side over the other and I haven't. I still haven't but I tend to talk more to the one that doesn't want to talk for 3 hours about their pity party.

So both of them and Rick think that I am weird that I haven't been devistated by the breakup. Then when I tried to explain to Rick how I see what is going on (games, etc) he said how can you not be more emotional about this.

I told him that one person is trying to control the other by one day coming over and the next day saying I never want to see you again-this is the person who left yet still keeps showing up when he needs something. The other person is trying to get sympathy (and control the other) by saying that he will never love another person again and no one will ever want him and he has no reason for living.

It is exhausting dealing with both of them and I got tired of being used where they both ask what the other had said. I don't think Rick had looked at what each are getting out of the relationship still-even though it is over.

My Mom has a saying-People and pigs like to wallow in Sh** because its warm and gooey. I think this applies to both.

Don't get me wrong-I don't look down on them at all and do sympathize and have my own problems-I think that is why I don't want to deal with theirs as well and I'm fed up with their relationship issues spilling over into mine.

Ok, I'm through venting/ranting :0 I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow and a wonderful weekend.

Two surprises...

#1) I knew that we were having a going away get together today at the office for an intern that is graduating and going on to get her Masters. So at about 2:30 today we all gathered and I was looking forward to a mid afternoon sugar rush of cake and cookies. On the table was a gift for her and two cards.

I'm standing there drooling for cake and was handed a card with my name on it. I said, uh oh, it's a going away party for two????

Apparantly it was Executive Assistant Day-Everyone had passed a card around and chipped in for a Barnes and Nobles gift certificate. I was really surprised since I hadn't been there that long.

I finally feel comfortable with 90% of what I'm doing and still don't dread going to work. Of course when I get up in the morning and would rather go back to bed, but once I get going I'm fine.

#2) Today Rick looked up our insurance coverage pertaining to therapist/counseling on his own initiative. I was really surprised he did this without me having to badger him for weeks! The best part is that it is free.

I hope Rick follows through. I'm definetely going to use this. Look out therapist/counselor here I come...

Rainy Monday..

Work went by pretty fast today. I got caught up on a bunch of paperwork and did some organizing.

We had a nice rain, but it got colder-around 40-finally clearing up after dinner.

The training on the weekend went well-I learned a lot of things that will help, not just in the job, but in life in general. So far something I have learned in training has helped in two instances. I've never had training before that after it is complete I get a badge-so I'm looking forward to that.

Rick is getting depressive about work. Escalated calls in customer service can't be fun. I'm trying to get him to go to a therapist/counselor in order to learn new ways on handling those types of calls. He gets real quiet when its almost time for work and has used several of his vacation days already just so he won't have to go deal with it.

While I can completely understand that, I don't want him to live like that-been there, done that. I think it will help in that aspect as well as many others. I also suggested a blog to help vent-works for me! I told him tomorrow after work I'll show him how to set one up and get going with it.

I have been thinking about going to see someone-I figured it can't hurt. I've been to one before and got a lot out of it.

I hope everyone had a good Monday and that Tuesday is even better.

An apology and lots of scanning...

Today was a pretty good day, it flew by because it was so hectic and busy.

We are preparing for an appreciation dinner for tomorrow and I had to scan about 200 pictures to be used for a slide show. I will have to rethink my scanner/printer position. I kept having to stand up to insert the picture and then sit down to run the program. I wasn't too busy with normal things so I was glad to help out-the person I am helping is so much busier than I and it felt good to lighten her load.

Tomorrow will be pretty busy with setting up for the dinner. I'm looking forward to it. Then we have training for the next two weekends I will help prepare for as well as attend.

Rick finally saw things my way about his daughter-he has been really nice yesterday and today-I even got an apology which is rare. I think it helped that everyone ganged up on him and took my side-his mother, sister, x-wife....

So it's shaping up to be a good week, although busy. Even a friend of mine that had been out of town for awhile is back in town and I'm hoping to see him Friday.

I get paid Friday too-even better. I'll be able to pay a few bills that are late.
I'm hoping in a few weeks to be caught up and maybe have some savings as well.

My Mother went to see a radiologist and it was good news. He told her with 8 weeks of radiation every day and 8 weeks of chemotherapy once a week will give her a 45% chance of a cure. The idea of no drastic surgery has my Mother feeling so much better already.

The other good news was what looked like cancer in her cheek bone is only the tumor protruding into the bone, not growing in it.

Now I'm going to drop a bomb in my tub!

True Colors, learning styles and a proposition for Rick....

Today at work I had two informative classes.

The first one was figuring out what type of environment you learn best in and how to adapt to it. It was interesting. I'm a visual/kinesthetic learner. I got a zero in auditory learning. I'm the type that will take something out of a box and not read instructions and figure it out hands on. Cue cards, graphs and video are supposed to help me learn faster.

It was pretty dead on to how I have learned things easier my whole life. A classic style lecture class puts me to sleep. I had a few of those in college and learned more on my own than in class. I made perfect grades on anything with a lab and I got perfect grades in classes that I made cue cards to learn the material.

The next one was about what type of personality you have/how you are perceived. True Colors. I'm a green with a close blue second. I talked Rick into coming to it. It was really informative and I learned more about how to avoid conflict by knowing how to interact with the other types of personalities and what they need and how they look at themselves.

Poor Rick, he thought it was going to be a lecture and he would sit there and listen. It was a little more interactive. He was the greedy orange eater in a little "play" up on stage. It was just a little skit to see how easy it is to mediate a conflict and come to a resolution.

The other part that was funny was when we introduced ourselves. A tissue box was passed around and people took one or a few. So when it was your turn to intro you had to tell one thing about yourself for every tissue you took.

Rick took 3 and mentioned he likes the mountains, flyfishing and something about his job. Then it got over to the other side of the room and this one lady said "I want my tissue to stand for a quesion" "I want to know if Rick is married, I love fly fishing and the mountains".

Everyone that knew me looked right at me like they were expecting me to say "why yes, yes he is" or something like that. Later we all got a kick out of it.

I'm wore out-I left the house at 8AM and got in about 10PM. I'm glad tomorrow is friday!! I hope everyone has a great day.

Another addition to the family...

This friday I'm picking up Taylor from my ex. Taylor is an american foxhound and very well behaved. I think I posted a picture of him awhile back. I'll take some new ones of him when he gets here.



He was a stray pound puppy-he looked pitiful when I saw him that day. He was hunkered down at the back of the cage shivvering and whining until he saw me and then he ran up to the bars, sat down and put his paw up-it was love at first sight.

Randy knows him and tolerates him like he does Petey. Taylor loves to play around so I'll bet Petey will have a blast-Randy won't play with him since he is older.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself - Josh Billings

I hope everyone had a good day-the weekend is almost here!

It finally felt like spring today...

Today was a long day at work but when I got home Rick had dinner going on the grill outside as a surprise. It was funny, on the way home I stopped and got a key lime pie just for the heck of it, so we had a pretty good dinner.

Another surprise was when a friend from work dropped off some fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies and some milk. She has said she was going to go home and bake cookies and drop them off on my porch-but I thought she was kidding since she made a comment about feeling domestic today! It was a nice surprise.

The weather was nice today and it finally felt like spring-Rick took these pictures of the red bud tree, apple tree and tulips in bloom:









I hope everyone had a great day :)

Catching up....

Today was my day to catch up on some housework. Vacuuming, laundry, dusting-all that fun stuff. So I thought I would catch up on here too.

This weekend was good. I relaxed around the house, Rick did some yardwork and I watched a couple of movies. I also went to the movies with a friend of mine. We saw Sin City. I kinda liked it, but everyone else I have talked to that has seen it didn't really care for it because of the dialogue/overacting/gore/violence. Keeping with that theme, Rick and I watched Saw this weekend.

I splurged and bought a new wireless keyboard and mouse this weekend. It took a bit of doing to hook it up but I finally got it going. I didn't notice on the box it said for Windows XP only. I found some drivers on the web that work with them so I didn't have to take it back.

Work has been going good. I have been working with a new software program and have been entering data going back to October. It will occupying my time for awhile!

My parents are still upbeat about the appointment they have with a radiologist this week. They are doing the paperwork to get everything started with them.

I talked to my Dad earlier today and found out that my brother is moving back home. This worries and angers me all at once. I haven't spoken to my brother in about 8 years and still don't intend to when/if he moves back.

He is 45 and has never thought of anyone but himself. He married at 17 and has since been married 4 times and at the last count has over 15 kids. He left each one when things got too hard to handle-never taking care of them or the kids that were left behind. He is planning on leaving his current wife with 2 kids because it's too much for him.

I respect their wishes to let him come back home to get back on his feet, and I know they love him as their son. I know they would do the same for me or my sister. But I worry that he sees my parents in a vulnerable state and may try to take advantage of them-that is who he has been in the past that made me lose all respect for him.

I know that my Dad won't let him have but one chance before he would make him leave, but it angers me that they are going to have to deal with this on top of everything else. Me and my sister are hoping that his heart is in the right place and that he will help instead of hurt them-but we keep reminding ourselves of those 15+ children out there that thought the same at one point.