Ups and Downs

Last week I had a panic attack. Too many things were going on at once-here at the house, with my parents, etc. Rick and I had had an argument, my Mom had started to get worse and I still hadn't rented any of my vacant apartments...it was all just too much at once. I am now having trouble sleeping and my appetite is not very good lately.

I'm starting to feel a little better-not 100% yet. I got 2 of my apartments rented (although one has backed out now) and have a great prospect for tomorrow.

My Dad said that he has noticed a huge change in my Mom at night, she is restless and can't sleep and last night she feel during the night roaming around. He talks about wills and funeral plans every day. He is not going to go to work anymore to stay at home with her.

He told me last night that he has known her for over 45 years and he can tell something is wrong and that she is going downhill fast. It has been very stressful on all of us and I can't talk my Dad into getting help-so it has been mostly on him.

I'm thinking of going to a counselor to help deal with all of this, and in return maybe help him a little. All I feel I can do know is be there for them-but I feel helpless.

Rick's Mom has surgery in the morning, luckily not a major one and she should be home by thursday.

I hope everyone's week is going great :)

All grown up...

Rick and I spent some time with each of our parents today and did some shopping for more domestic stuffs for the house like a park bench and some hanging flower baskets.

I had a surprise visit from a friend and spent some time with her and her 2 sons. I hadn't seen them in so long it was like that became adults all of the sudden that I could carry on adult conversations with!

Our barn swallows under the porch are almost ready to leave the nest. They are almost as big as the parents. Rick took this picture the other day of the mother swooping in with dinner:



He didn't like it because the blurriness of the mother, but I think it made an awesome picture.

The weekend...

I'm still having trouble with my computer. It seems that the only time I get the BSOD is when I open Firefox. Nothing else has caused it. I am going to try to uninstall and reinstall it tomorrow to see if that helps anything. I hope to catch up on my usual journal reading when I have access to my bookmarks!

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get an apartment or two rented. I have had some strange calls from some even stranger people.

Tomorrow is a short day AND payday :) Too bad bills get in the way of all that money!

I hope everyone has a great weekend...

Computer Blues...

I keep getting error messages that might as well say: You still have Windows 98 what do you expect?"

I'm still using a computer I bought in 1997 (!) but it has been doing pretty good up until Rick plopped his brand new computer next to mine! Now mine seems sluggish and contrary after experiencing Windows XP.

I tried to plug in a scanner to it yesterday and after 20 minutes of error messages, pulling out hair, and one eye bugging out I gave up. I plugged the usb into Rick's computer and this little bubble on the task bar popped up and said your hardware is installed and ready to use. Can't get any better than that! Actually at first I was a little annoyed that it was that easy plus Rick rubbed it in a bit.

I'm working off of his while I defrag mine and run 10 other diagnostics on it. It seems like a losing battle now. I'm going to try to build one in the next few months with the help of a friend and use the old one as a server. I hope mine will hold on until then.

Other than that, my life was boring today. Is it Friday yet?

Almost, but not quite...

I have had quite a few calls on my vacant rentals, but so far nothing concrete.

I did have to turn one away due to a felony assault that they "forgot" to disclose. I probably would have rented to them otherwise. I have 2 interested in the smaller one and one guy that was supposed to call back tonight, but never did. Thanks again Georgianna for the help.

I didn't get picked for jury duty, but then felt horrible and stayed in bed afterwards. Rick has been sick with something similar. I feel better now, but he is still not 100%.

The birds under my porch have been busy feeding the 6 hungry nestlings. We sat on the porch earlier watching the male and female make many trips back and forth as our neighbors across the way slowly hack down their beautiful evergreens.

My eyelid tic is back. I thought it was gone for good. I can't pinpoint any one thing that could have brought it back although I have been feeling blue-ish and moody. I hope it runs its course soon since it is more annoying than the cause usually!

Off to do laundry-I hope everyone had a great monday :)

More stormy weather...

Saturday around 5:30 Rick and I were mowing, I had my headphones on getting into a Gwen Stefani groove. I noticed the weather getting dreary back to the west and was just finishing up when the sirens start wailing.

Tornadoes and potential tornadoes all around us.

My nerves were shot by the second round of sirens and the gaggle of drag queens all gathered in front of the house next door screaming, pointing, as well as reenacting the Wizard of Oz twister scene.

Rick's inner storm chaser got the better of him and he grabbed his camera and off he went into the action. His daughter, her friend and I were glued to the TV. Finally, a friend offers shelter in the storm. She has a basement so off we went.

2 pizzas later the weather settled down. I love this kind of weather, but could do without tornado threat. It was made so much more tolerable by good friends :) Thanks again-

Sunday we worked on the house adding a few touches here and there that made it more home like.

Tomorrow I have jury duty :O wish me luck!

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Stormy weather

This was the view from my front porch earlier this week as a storm was blowing by..



Nature never ceases to amaze me.

A work in progress...

This is the new journal I have been working on and trying to get used to.

Thanks to herwest with the graphics and a few hours playing around with it-this is what I have so far...

PointClickJeff

I may switch over and it lets you post comments without being a member. There are good points to it but it has been weird since I'm used to blogger.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

The last few days....

My weekend was good, didn't really do anything that I should have done and lazed around instead.

Sunday I went and got a snazzy grill for Rick. It took forever to put together since I'm not one to follow directions! I had it all together and then realized it was on backwards and the propane tank wouldn't reach the intake valve. So I had to take it all apart and start over. But once we got it all done, it worked like a charm.

The gaggle of drag queens were outside so it felt like I had an audience! When I got done and was cleaning up the trash I hear "yayyyyyyyy, you got it all together! When is dinner?" I stood there frozen until I hear laughing and one of them says "just kidding, we are performing tonight and have to get our wigs ready."

They haven't been too bad, more amusing than anything. I get home from work one day last week and see a fuschia dress drip drying in the breeze on their front porch. And if they hadn't moved in I never would have seen a grown man sashaying in daisy dukes while mowing!

Monday I worked for a few hours and spent the rest of the day on the golf course for a fund raiser. It was hot but breezy, a beer cart came around every so often and I had great company.

I've been working on a new blog on a place a friend suggested called livejournal. I was leary of switching but she was relentless and even paid for a year subscription for it! So I have been playing with a layout and slowly getting used to it. Once I get it to my liking I'll post the link and see what everyone thinks.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and is having a great week :)

Blast from the past

Through work, I happened to see someone from my past. 1979 past.

It was someone from the "cool" crowd, someone I wished I could hang out with way back when but I was either too intimidated to attempt that or they were too "cool" to bother with me. It is hard to tell now and does it really even matter?

I wouldn't say I went as far as idolizing this person, but I was jealous of the coolness I interpreted of their life. I envied her so much, her friends, what I thought her life was like-they lived in a neat house, drove the neat foreign car, her mother looked so exotic, and she wore the best stuff in the class.

I heard her talk more in that 30 minutes than I had in the 9 years I went to school with her. As I sit on the other side of the desk as they were interviewed, with quite personal questions, my whole envy/coolness/jealousy ideals from the past were covered with a wet blanket.

I couldn't help but think back to the girl that I thought I knew to the adult that was spilling details quite freely in front of me. It turns out her childhood was horrid with physical and mental abuse. I have no tale to tell like that about my childhood-I look back on my childhood up to graduation and smile.

As I sit there writing and listening to her, it struck me how I percieve things to how they actually are are similar to a funhouse mirror. But I already knew that, this was just an oddly placed reminder.

We have vacancies.....

I had a decent day with a bit of on the cheap shopping and on the cheap dining out. I read a bit and watched some mindless TV shows. We have been working on the backyard. I put out some solar lights that we were given and Rick has the lawn looking great-front and back.

I feel ok considering but only if I don't think about things too hard.

I had one renter move out, then another skip out on me and then find out today that another one has bought a house and will be leaving soon. 3 vacancies in one month is not good. I'll have to tighten the proverbial belt and hunker down for a bit.

I want to thank everyone for the nice comments and one day soon I will come up for air.

Holiday Weekend to now......

I had a pretty good weekend. I started it with some good friends over for martinis on friday. Saturday and Sunday were good, lazy days.

Monday was my Mom's birthday. She asked for a birthday cake, something she never does. My sister whipped up a good one and we sat around eating and visiting. My Mom hates most of the gifts I buy here so I settled on lottery scratch offs-they went over well since she won some money.

She seemed in a good mood. She still has not reconsidered any more treatment and was treating Monday as her last birthday. So singing happy birthday was really sad and got even worse when my 10 year old nephew added the "and many more" that landed flat.

Poor kid, I don't think he knew-but that was when the big white elephant in the corner came out to play.

Monday night we had severe storms that knocked out our power for a bit and today while I was at the post office mailing some stuff for work, the tornado sirens went off and I was stuck there for about 30 minutes.

My general mood has been ok lately but it feels I am under water. I have got upset over some little things because it feels like if just one thing goes wrong everything will spin out of control.

I have that sick to my stomach feeling I got when I was little and something scared me because I didn't understand. The first time I remember having that feeling was one year when I was about 4-my Mom had to go to Dallas to a funeral and it was the first time I was apart from her.

Everyone else was acting normal and I felt sad/abandoned/lonely/scared and didn't understand. So I ran into her room and comforted myself by smelling her perfume, purses, hairspray etc-bawling the whole time. Then my Dad realized what was up and explained that she would be back the next day......

It wasn't all bad....

I was in a bad mood yesterday when I told about the retreat. There were fun times. The scenery was amazing, the house on the mountain we stayed in was amazing. Our view was of the Rocky Mountain National Park mountains. Here is a picture of the view off of one of the decks:



My mom was supposed to go in for her 11th radiation treatment today. She got there and changed her mind. She has decided to quit, she can't take it anymore. Whether it be the pain, the exhaustion or both. My dad has decided to let her make her own decision on the matter. I haven't figured out what to do-feeling helpless at the moment.

To make matters worse, I needed Rick to lean on today and he was in his own little sulky world and wouldn't tell me why. Instead of a shoulder to cry on I got a cold one. It will take more than I think he is willing to give for him to make it up to me-it was just shy of unforgivable in my opinion.

Back home....

I'm finally unpacked and rested from the "retreat". I had a great time-up until Saturday. We stayed one day toooooo long I think. Or actually not even that.

It wasn't planned well to begin with. There wasn't very good communication on a schedule or what was actually supposed to happen. We were told Saturday was a "free" day when it should have been said Saturday was a do what we tell you to do day but we will be passive aggressive, not pay you and call it a free day anyway.

So here I am in a fun city thinking that it is still a free day and decide to go shopping for something for Rick and myself in neat little shops. Ooops on my part because the boss sees this as I'm not a team player and avoiding the group!?

Instead of telling me this in person, it was done in a third grade kinda way that I took all kinds of wrong. She told a third person to tell me. Someone I thought I could trust-so in jest I say something like if she wants me to do what she says then she needs to pay me. Something that was implied that was not to be repeated but that was repeated.

This made the trip SO much more fun! She was in tears and the rest of the day went to hell. Then I was told in the same fashion that a meeting was to be held back at the cabin to discuss the situation.

It was all so unprofessional. She was in tears and I felt attacked-like it was my fault that I decided to enjoy a free day that I ruined it for everyone. BS. I was 5 minutes away from calling a taxi and heading to the nearest rent a car place. Needless to say the trip back was so much fun!

Can you imagine the head of a GM or IBM calling a meeting because their feelings were hurt and then bursting into tears about it? Jeesh.

I considered quitting. I considered just leaving all my stuff at the office and never going back in. But my co-worker friend Herwest and I devised a plan to just let it go and let them be the ones to self destruct. To compact it down like good little anglos and pretend.

We have fun regardless, let them be the ones to be miserable at work. The person that decided to stab me in the back will eventually dig her own hole deep enough where no one will want to be around her because she is duplicitious. The rest of the office that feeds off that will go down with her.

Besides, we spend more time up there than at home, I pity them for making it miserable for themselves when Herwest and I are having fun with it. We can choose to let all of this go and enjoy our work.

I'll post some of the pictures I took of the beautiful surroundings we were in this week.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a great start of the week :)

Bon Voyage Moi....

I got all my stuff gathered and ready to be packed. Tomorrow I have to find my luggage! I left it at the fourplex storage so I get to go and dig it out.

I like to pack early and have a list but I always feel like I am forgetting something.

I spent the weekend working on yard stuff. Rick mowed the yard while I edged. It is looking really nice. We went and bought some patio furniture, some hanging plants and some potted plants to put out on the porch and patio.

I just bought some adirondack chairs and a table because I am holding out on a nice set with an umbrella that I have to save up for. Rick wants the nice grill instead of the one we have that the grill that falls in if you look at it the wrong way!

I also put in a digital thermostat, it is working nicely. Slowly but surely we are getting it done. I still have some painting to do that I put off every weekend and some doors to put up.

Wish me luck on the working "retreat"! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and weekend :)

Bon Voyage Ginger.....

I know you will have a great time in Cancun! I'm so jealous!!!! Send a wish you were here postcard :)

Past Life Aggression...

I was down last week thinking about how my life has changed from what it used to be to what it is today. I kept thinking of all the good things of my past life comparing them to the bad things in my life now. That was productive!

It took a few comments from a friend to get me to see my error. I started reassessing. I didn't like who I had become in my past life with what I was given. I like myself now mostly. The problems I had in my past life were mostly a direct result of my own reactions to what I was given. My problems now seem so less daunting compared.

I had someone else handling everything for me for so long that now when confronted with something it is almost if I have to "learn" how to deal with it. I'm getting better.

I was lost in my past life, floating by without a care in the world-with blinders on. When the blinders came off it took a lot of energy to recover. In some small ways I still am but I get better everyday.

I owe it all to the scorpio who used me up and spit me out and is now living what was my past life. Poor guy, he has what he deserves.

and the rain came...

Rick planted the Austrian Pine that I bought for him yesterday. He spent so much time making sure it was in the right spot, not leaning too far one way or the other, and mixing all the fertilizers and root stimulators.

We had severe weather all around us tonight, but we ended up getting a good thunderstorm with a little bit of wind. It started about 5 minutes after Rick had just put all the yard tools away. I hope it gives the new tree a good start.

I am in my best moods when it is raining, but it was just the icing on the cake after seeing Rick so excited about our new addition.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid....Audre Lorde

Feathered Friends

It took some doing, but I finally caught them.




They are making a mess of the porch, but they seem settled in! The pretty purplish blue irridescent color is only visible when they are in flight, its on the underside of their wings.

Earlier in the day when I let the dogs out I saw Taylor grab a bird and gnaw on it a bit. By the time I got there it was too late, I hate to put it out of its misery. I find that so hard to do, but the poor thing was suffering. Rick found one barely hanging on this weekend and I found the carnage of one the day before that. We didn't know who was responsible until today.

No more bird feeders in the back yard. I resisted the urge to punish Taylor, I decided I couldn't fault him for being the breed of dog he is and having that in his nature.

I went with my parents to what was supposed to have been the first radiation treatment. The Radiology Tech wasn't happy with how the computer was pinpointing so they wanted to run some more tests. They decided to work with the numbers more and postpone until tomorrow.

My Mom was a little upset since she had worked herself into a tizzy preparing for today. As she was getting in the car and I was saying goodbye, she said I'll go crazy before they get started. I can completely understand.

I was wanting to be there for the first one but I don't want to try and take off early tomorrow again. She was happy with her pink squishy pillow (whiched matched her shirt perfectly) that a friend from work gave me to give to her. I also got a waiting room goody bag from the same friend filled with a book, candies etc. My day was stressful and I kept remembering back to that kindness to take the edge off.

I hope everyone had a good Monday :)