Thursday, August 18, 2005

I'm the last to know...

The last I heard from my Dad is that my Mom was doing fairly decent-for someone dying of cancer that is. She had gained weight and was feeling pretty good-she had got a good "report card" from her doctor.

Then like things that come out of the blue at 10:15pm on a wednesday night I get a call from my Dad and he tells me that she is going downhill fast. He wants me to go talk with hospice with him. Just last week I tried to bring this up and he assured me that hospice was a long way off.

It is strange how a few days change things. He noticed that she is having more trouble getting around-falling and getting confused about where she is. He had to help her with bathroom functions. He sounded so desperate and sad that it reminded me of something in the past.

The first time I learned what love was really all about was when I was young and went with my great grandfather to visit my great grandmother's grave. Me, my Mom, my Dad and my great grandfater went to put flowers on my great grandmothers grave on year when I was 16.

I was bored and felt like I should be doing something cool with my friends and was probably feeling offended that I had to tag along to a cemetary. After they placed the flowers on her grave we get back in the car I remember looking in the backseat and seeing my great grandfather crying. A big tough guy crying got my attention and then he says "I miss her so much".

It hit me then-they had been married for what seemed to me at the time for an eternity and I was feeling pissy that I was missing being with my friends. I have never forgiven myself for that.

By many different cirumstances I have neglected many family relationships-maybe a flaw with me or a difference that they couldn't get past, but I feel this impending death in our family will define each and every one of us.

I have had a few drinks and have rambled on enough! I hope that my family and friends that feel like I have neglected them will give me the space I need to work all the things that I need to right now.


Anonymous said...

Anything you thought or felt as a kid, you should forgive yourself for. It's probably a good memory--don't waste it with guilt! Just a little unsolicited advice. Which I usually don't do.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom--but hospice is truly a wonderful thing. My folks were just the same when Mama was going. They finally agreed to hospice about a day before she actually did. They handled everything, all the awful details, for us. And were truly a source of comfort, besides. Hang in there!

letti said...

sorry to hear about that..david's dad lost their mom to alzheimer's and colon cancer in february and it still chokes him up to speak of her.

Donna said...

Family is important. Hold to the good, don't worry about the bad.

Donna said...

Family is everything. Hold on to the good, don't worry about the bad.

Ginger said...


You take care of you. Your real friends will support you and love you while you find your way.

Love you muchly!!