Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Holiday Weekend to now......

I had a pretty good weekend. I started it with some good friends over for martinis on friday. Saturday and Sunday were good, lazy days.

Monday was my Mom's birthday. She asked for a birthday cake, something she never does. My sister whipped up a good one and we sat around eating and visiting. My Mom hates most of the gifts I buy here so I settled on lottery scratch offs-they went over well since she won some money.

She seemed in a good mood. She still has not reconsidered any more treatment and was treating Monday as her last birthday. So singing happy birthday was really sad and got even worse when my 10 year old nephew added the "and many more" that landed flat.

Poor kid, I don't think he knew-but that was when the big white elephant in the corner came out to play.

Monday night we had severe storms that knocked out our power for a bit and today while I was at the post office mailing some stuff for work, the tornado sirens went off and I was stuck there for about 30 minutes.

My general mood has been ok lately but it feels I am under water. I have got upset over some little things because it feels like if just one thing goes wrong everything will spin out of control.

I have that sick to my stomach feeling I got when I was little and something scared me because I didn't understand. The first time I remember having that feeling was one year when I was about 4-my Mom had to go to Dallas to a funeral and it was the first time I was apart from her.

Everyone else was acting normal and I felt sad/abandoned/lonely/scared and didn't understand. So I ran into her room and comforted myself by smelling her perfume, purses, hairspray etc-bawling the whole time. Then my Dad realized what was up and explained that she would be back the next day......

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It wasn't all bad....

I was in a bad mood yesterday when I told about the retreat. There were fun times. The scenery was amazing, the house on the mountain we stayed in was amazing. Our view was of the Rocky Mountain National Park mountains. Here is a picture of the view off of one of the decks:

My mom was supposed to go in for her 11th radiation treatment today. She got there and changed her mind. She has decided to quit, she can't take it anymore. Whether it be the pain, the exhaustion or both. My dad has decided to let her make her own decision on the matter. I haven't figured out what to do-feeling helpless at the moment.

To make matters worse, I needed Rick to lean on today and he was in his own little sulky world and wouldn't tell me why. Instead of a shoulder to cry on I got a cold one. It will take more than I think he is willing to give for him to make it up to me-it was just shy of unforgivable in my opinion.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Back home....

I'm finally unpacked and rested from the "retreat". I had a great time-up until Saturday. We stayed one day toooooo long I think. Or actually not even that.

It wasn't planned well to begin with. There wasn't very good communication on a schedule or what was actually supposed to happen. We were told Saturday was a "free" day when it should have been said Saturday was a do what we tell you to do day but we will be passive aggressive, not pay you and call it a free day anyway.

So here I am in a fun city thinking that it is still a free day and decide to go shopping for something for Rick and myself in neat little shops. Ooops on my part because the boss sees this as I'm not a team player and avoiding the group!?

Instead of telling me this in person, it was done in a third grade kinda way that I took all kinds of wrong. She told a third person to tell me. Someone I thought I could trust-so in jest I say something like if she wants me to do what she says then she needs to pay me. Something that was implied that was not to be repeated but that was repeated.

This made the trip SO much more fun! She was in tears and the rest of the day went to hell. Then I was told in the same fashion that a meeting was to be held back at the cabin to discuss the situation.

It was all so unprofessional. She was in tears and I felt attacked-like it was my fault that I decided to enjoy a free day that I ruined it for everyone. BS. I was 5 minutes away from calling a taxi and heading to the nearest rent a car place. Needless to say the trip back was so much fun!

Can you imagine the head of a GM or IBM calling a meeting because their feelings were hurt and then bursting into tears about it? Jeesh.

I considered quitting. I considered just leaving all my stuff at the office and never going back in. But my co-worker friend Herwest and I devised a plan to just let it go and let them be the ones to self destruct. To compact it down like good little anglos and pretend.

We have fun regardless, let them be the ones to be miserable at work. The person that decided to stab me in the back will eventually dig her own hole deep enough where no one will want to be around her because she is duplicitious. The rest of the office that feeds off that will go down with her.

Besides, we spend more time up there than at home, I pity them for making it miserable for themselves when Herwest and I are having fun with it. We can choose to let all of this go and enjoy our work.

I'll post some of the pictures I took of the beautiful surroundings we were in this week.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a great start of the week :)

Monday, May 16, 2005

Bon Voyage Moi....

I got all my stuff gathered and ready to be packed. Tomorrow I have to find my luggage! I left it at the fourplex storage so I get to go and dig it out.

I like to pack early and have a list but I always feel like I am forgetting something.

I spent the weekend working on yard stuff. Rick mowed the yard while I edged. It is looking really nice. We went and bought some patio furniture, some hanging plants and some potted plants to put out on the porch and patio.

I just bought some adirondack chairs and a table because I am holding out on a nice set with an umbrella that I have to save up for. Rick wants the nice grill instead of the one we have that the grill that falls in if you look at it the wrong way!

I also put in a digital thermostat, it is working nicely. Slowly but surely we are getting it done. I still have some painting to do that I put off every weekend and some doors to put up.

Wish me luck on the working "retreat"! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and weekend :)

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Bon Voyage Ginger.....

I know you will have a great time in Cancun! I'm so jealous!!!! Send a wish you were here postcard :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Past Life Aggression...

I was down last week thinking about how my life has changed from what it used to be to what it is today. I kept thinking of all the good things of my past life comparing them to the bad things in my life now. That was productive!

It took a few comments from a friend to get me to see my error. I started reassessing. I didn't like who I had become in my past life with what I was given. I like myself now mostly. The problems I had in my past life were mostly a direct result of my own reactions to what I was given. My problems now seem so less daunting compared.

I had someone else handling everything for me for so long that now when confronted with something it is almost if I have to "learn" how to deal with it. I'm getting better.

I was lost in my past life, floating by without a care in the world-with blinders on. When the blinders came off it took a lot of energy to recover. In some small ways I still am but I get better everyday.

I owe it all to the scorpio who used me up and spit me out and is now living what was my past life. Poor guy, he has what he deserves.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

and the rain came...

Rick planted the Austrian Pine that I bought for him yesterday. He spent so much time making sure it was in the right spot, not leaning too far one way or the other, and mixing all the fertilizers and root stimulators.

We had severe weather all around us tonight, but we ended up getting a good thunderstorm with a little bit of wind. It started about 5 minutes after Rick had just put all the yard tools away. I hope it gives the new tree a good start.

I am in my best moods when it is raining, but it was just the icing on the cake after seeing Rick so excited about our new addition.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

Monday, May 09, 2005

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid....Audre Lorde

Feathered Friends

It took some doing, but I finally caught them.

They are making a mess of the porch, but they seem settled in! The pretty purplish blue irridescent color is only visible when they are in flight, its on the underside of their wings.

Earlier in the day when I let the dogs out I saw Taylor grab a bird and gnaw on it a bit. By the time I got there it was too late, I hate to put it out of its misery. I find that so hard to do, but the poor thing was suffering. Rick found one barely hanging on this weekend and I found the carnage of one the day before that. We didn't know who was responsible until today.

No more bird feeders in the back yard. I resisted the urge to punish Taylor, I decided I couldn't fault him for being the breed of dog he is and having that in his nature.

I went with my parents to what was supposed to have been the first radiation treatment. The Radiology Tech wasn't happy with how the computer was pinpointing so they wanted to run some more tests. They decided to work with the numbers more and postpone until tomorrow.

My Mom was a little upset since she had worked herself into a tizzy preparing for today. As she was getting in the car and I was saying goodbye, she said I'll go crazy before they get started. I can completely understand.

I was wanting to be there for the first one but I don't want to try and take off early tomorrow again. She was happy with her pink squishy pillow (whiched matched her shirt perfectly) that a friend from work gave me to give to her. I also got a waiting room goody bag from the same friend filled with a book, candies etc. My day was stressful and I kept remembering back to that kindness to take the edge off.

I hope everyone had a good Monday :)

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Long lost brother and feathered friends...

I went over to see my parents today. My brother has been staying with them for a while and I knew I was bound to run into him. I just wasn't prepared.

He burned our bridges years ago but I guess after all that LSD he fried enough synapses to where he didn't remember.

I chose the peacemaking route for my parents, I just listened to his BS and shook my head and went on. My mom was in an agitated state since her first radiation treatment is tomorrow. My Dad was in an agitated state from that and from the accumilative effects of having my brother there for more than 1 hour!

He finally got a job, and my Dad is working on getting him an apartment.

I saw a little bit of the brother I used to know peep through the 4 beers he drank while I was there for little over an hour. But the voice in the back of my head kept reminding me to not get close again.

On our covered porch up in the rafter area, there are 2 electrical boxes for exterior plugs. For the last three years there has been a bird couple that builds a mud nest on top and lays their eggs. They started their nest a few days ago.

The first year they would dive bomb us when we walked outside or up to the porch. Last year and this year I guess they are used to us and just stare when we go in or out. I'll get some pictures tomorrow and post them. They have pretty colors on them-sort of a purple/blue irrirdescent color.

The nest is about a foot away from the porch light and last year we noticed when the babies hatched and the light was turned on they would all stick their heads up and chirp loud with their beaks open. We couldn't tell if it hurt their eyes, so we leave the porch light off until they fly away just in case.

I wondered today if it is the same couple coming back each year or one of the previous hatchlings. Rick and I were both saying how nice it is to have them back again even if it means not having a porch light for awhile.

Ricks family had a big picnic at a park today. It was fun, lots of good food and we played football and volleyball. I felt so graceful-while we were waiting to play football the ball rolled to me-I went to stop it with my foot and went down.

I hope everyone had a great weekend :)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Snow and some resolution...

I went to bed Sunday night to a nice thunderstorm and woke up Monday morning with snow. It was odd, it snowed most of the day and was cold. It all melted the next day but it has been drizzly and wet since then with a chill in the air. Is this really May??

Work has been going good-we go on a working retreat to a nice resort town 8 hours away in a few weeks. I haven't been out of town in ages so I'm looking forward to it. Not sure how it'll go with some of the people at work that I haven't known that long and how we will get along. I'm going to go into it with a positive attitude and take some Martini makings juuuuuuuuuuuust in case!

Rick and I had a really good talk today about us. We didn't go in depth about some things that we need to later, but I feel it was a great start that will lead to that. There were some things we talked about that neither of us had any idea were an issue with the other. Then we came up with some solutions. We are slowly getting there.

The biggest hurdle I have had was not thinking I had to work at it-in my last relationship we reached a comfort and understanding level that we glided on for so many years. I keep forgetting how past relationships can define current ones and not always in a good way.

I hope everyone is having a great week :)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

We'll see...

I'm feeling transitional today. It is odd, I feel like I am on the verge of something but cannot put my finger on it.

I know there is something better out there for me but I don' feel like I know what it is and that if I did know what it was if I even deserve it.

If I am in a relationship with someone whether it be a friend, lover or parent-that I tend to go out of my way to make sure their needs are being met regardless of my feelings. Every now and then I will need something out of that relationship and I hold them to MY standards. Maybe they can't live up to them and feel slighted if they can't deliver.

Is it my problem or theirs? This is where I am at. Should I feel selfish that I have put out this effort and they can't or won't?

I am all about compromise. Compromise defined my last relationship. We may have not agreed on everything but we worked hard to make sure both of out needs were taken in consideration and that we both got something out of the choices we made.

In my current relationship I don't have that luxury. I don't think that Rick ever learned the art of compromise-at least in a spousal type relationship. I think it is very important. He doesn't. So if I agree partially but not 100% to something he wants then he feels like he had to give up 100% instead of partially.

In relationships I feel like if the other person isn't happy then I have done something wrong even if I know in my gut that I have done everything I can to try to make them happy. Then I feel like these are my issues and shouldn't hold them up to my standards-can we say people pleaser???

I talked to my Dad earlier and he told me how everything is going in regards with my Mom's treatments. I haven't heard him so upbeat in over a year. The place that they are going to are going out of their way to help them physically, mentally, as well as monetarily. My mom has her first treatment on the 9th and they are almost looking forward to it-the people at the cancer center have been such a positive influence.

That gives me such hope not only in that everything will be ok, but in fate as a whole. I lucked into meeting the person that set all of this in motion. I mentioned this earlier-I met this lady through a work fund raiser and bam-everything changed.

That in itself makes me so humble to have found this job. Then you add that to being able to to expand on my relationship with Rick's sister who works there and meeting an extraordianary person that I can now call a friend that I wouldn't have met otherwise and it maks me feel like yes there are good things in life that maybe I do deserve.

We'll see.