Sunday, May 01, 2005

We'll see...

I'm feeling transitional today. It is odd, I feel like I am on the verge of something but cannot put my finger on it.

I know there is something better out there for me but I don' feel like I know what it is and that if I did know what it was if I even deserve it.

If I am in a relationship with someone whether it be a friend, lover or parent-that I tend to go out of my way to make sure their needs are being met regardless of my feelings. Every now and then I will need something out of that relationship and I hold them to MY standards. Maybe they can't live up to them and feel slighted if they can't deliver.

Is it my problem or theirs? This is where I am at. Should I feel selfish that I have put out this effort and they can't or won't?

I am all about compromise. Compromise defined my last relationship. We may have not agreed on everything but we worked hard to make sure both of out needs were taken in consideration and that we both got something out of the choices we made.

In my current relationship I don't have that luxury. I don't think that Rick ever learned the art of compromise-at least in a spousal type relationship. I think it is very important. He doesn't. So if I agree partially but not 100% to something he wants then he feels like he had to give up 100% instead of partially.

In relationships I feel like if the other person isn't happy then I have done something wrong even if I know in my gut that I have done everything I can to try to make them happy. Then I feel like these are my issues and shouldn't hold them up to my standards-can we say people pleaser???

I talked to my Dad earlier and he told me how everything is going in regards with my Mom's treatments. I haven't heard him so upbeat in over a year. The place that they are going to are going out of their way to help them physically, mentally, as well as monetarily. My mom has her first treatment on the 9th and they are almost looking forward to it-the people at the cancer center have been such a positive influence.

That gives me such hope not only in that everything will be ok, but in fate as a whole. I lucked into meeting the person that set all of this in motion. I mentioned this earlier-I met this lady through a work fund raiser and bam-everything changed.

That in itself makes me so humble to have found this job. Then you add that to being able to to expand on my relationship with Rick's sister who works there and meeting an extraordianary person that I can now call a friend that I wouldn't have met otherwise and it maks me feel like yes there are good things in life that maybe I do deserve.

We'll see.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I feel so happy to know that your mom is getting such quality care! Awesome. I won't offer any advice on the relationship topic -- I think you know enough to make your own decisions. Hugs, Russ